Feud Fest
by The Plushie Bandit
Summary: [ZoLu] Luffy and Zoro aren't getting along, so guess who's gonna play counselor? Poor Sanji...


Bandit- I woke up laughing at 3:00 in the morning because this fic popped into my head. Wouldn't leave me alone, so I had to type. Once again, Sanji must put up with Luffy and Zoro's relationship… hope you like!

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Sanji had to constantly remind himself why he decided to play counselor .

It had been a normal day. Got up, kept the captain out of his kitchen via foot, made breakfast for the lovely Nami-san, made breakfast for the rest of the shitty crew, threatened Luffy for his horrific table manners, threatened Zoro for being in his presence, drooled over Nami-san some more, cleaned the kitchen…

Normal day.

The only huge difference this time was the Going Merry had docked into a lively commercial town, giving Sanji the excellent opportunity to shop for supplies and follow Nami around like an obedient puppy, which was just fine with him. The cook didn't give a second glance to Luffy and Zoro making their way to the nearest restaurant (most likely at Luffy's pleading). What those two did in their spare time didn't concern him… unless they made too much noise. Then he made it his concern. Funny how fast they shut up when their 'jewels' were threatened…

It was when they got back to the ship did the chaos start.

Sanji wasn't sure _what _the shithead had done, but Luffy was pissed. Not mad. Not angry. _P-I-S-S_-ed. It was a shame he hadn't been there to see the swordsman screw up.

Since he'd gone straight to the kitchen, Sanji wasn't able to the see the effects of Zoro's stupidity until dinnertime. When he'd announced the food was ready, Luffy came stomping in, hands clenched into fists, nose flared, eyes with that 'Bastard! You nicked my hat! Rot in hell!' look. The boy looked ready to open a can of whoop ass on someone.

Sanji immediately did a quick check. The hat was firmly on his head, so that couldn't be it. No scratches either. And dinner was right on schedule, so that was marked off too. The boy seemed fine, except for the fact easy-going Luffy was angry at something. That in itself was a problem. It took skill and luck to piss the captain off _that _badly, a feat only accomplished by a select chosen few. Sanji thanked the gods everyday he wasn't one of them. Childness aside, Luffy could kick serious ass.

As the rest of the crew filed in to the kitchen, they took careful note of Luffy's temperament. Ussop was the first to ask what was wrong, and all he got for an answer was a low growl. After that, everyone picked straws to see who would sit next to him. Sanji gave his seat to Nami and stood. The things he did for love…

Trailing in last, Zoro took his customary seat next to Luffy. It was then that Sanji noticed how… guilty and angry the man looked. That, coupled with the fact Luffy decided to turn his glare on his first mate, led Sanji to believe the Marimo had fucked up big time.

So dreams did come true after all…

As soon as the crew figured Zoro was to blame for their captain's temper tantrum, it was promptly ignored, and normalcy returned. Or so everyone thought.

At first it was hilarious, or at least to Sanji it was. Seeing Luffy stomp around the ship, glaring at Zoro every chance he got was a treat unto itself. Plus the noises at night had stopped. Sanji slept peacefully for the first time in weeks. He'd forgotten how it felt to wake up with a full night's rest. It was damn invigorating, that's what it was. The score between Zoro and Sanji was also even once again. The chef never did forgive the shithead for getting sex when _he _was denied the pleasure, and seeing Zoro lying around in obvious withdrawal pain did wonders for Sanji's mood.

But like all things concerning the Marimo, his enjoyment quickly soured. Zoro had resorted to moping, which believe it or not, grated on Sanji's nerve. True, anything the swordsman did usually got him riled, but moping? Was the man _that _whipped? Also, the natural balance of the crew had been disrupted. No one could hold a decent conversation with either of the two, and everyone was starting to get more than a little tired of the feud. But that wasn't the worst of it.

During any meal, Luffy ripped through his food like usual, only now chunks of food flew out of his open mouth at alarming speed, his teeth gnawing on the pieces like he wished it were Zoro's head… No, not _that _head. The one on his shoulders… Yes, that one. The pieces and spit would fly out like projectiles and hit any unsuspecting victim in the head, sometimes with enough force to inflict pain. It was appalling to say the least, and Luffy didn't seem to want to stop his newly formed habit anytime soon. This displeased Sanji to no end. Still, their problems were _their _business, and Sanji was not about to get involved.

It was when a huge piece hit his Nami-san in the forehead that Sanji drew the line. His eyebrows almost uncurled from fury.

For the good of women, table manners and his sanity, he was about to _make _it his business.

So this was the reason why Sanji was currently brooding his kitchen, cigarette dangling lazily from his mouth, trying to figure the best way to draw both feuding lovers into the kitchen. It didn't take that long…

"Luffy! I got some meat if you want it!" Exactly one second later, a blur of red darted into the kitchen, panting with need.

"Meat! Where?" Sanji smirked. _'So easy… Now to get the shithead in here…'_

"Zoro! Ussop's raping Luffy in the kitchen!" Zoro got there faster than Luffy did, swords at the ready and murder written in his eyes. Luffy ignored them both, starting to look under the table for the elusive meat. Sanji burst out laughing.

He'd ask Ussop for forgiveness later.

Seeing that Luffy still had on his clothes and Ussop was nowhere to be found, Zoro advanced on Sanji instead. "You just forfeited your life, bastard. I'm gonna enjoy shredding you to pieces…"

Luffy just looked on, confused as hell _why _he couldn't find any meat.

Before Zoro could make good on his threat, Sanji calmly got up and walked in front of the kitchen door, leaning casually against it. He knew it was pissing the hell out of the swordsman, but if Sanji had to get the two back together, he was gonna enjoy himself while doing it.

"You two… have been a pain in my side ever since you got angry at each other," Sanji started off. "I don't care how long it takes or how you do it; I want you to kiss and make up, or I'll shove my foot up both your asses." Sanji kept his expression passive, but a nasty glint reflected off his eyes. "And no one leaves the room until this is sorted out." His feet shifted slightly, as if daring them to try and escape.

The two of them just stared at him blankly for a moment, and then Luffy did the most mature thing in the world.

"HE STARTED IT!" He accused, jutting a finger at the man next to him. "BLAME HIM!" And promptly stuck his tongue out at Zoro.

The shit hit the fan.

"MY FAULT? HOW THE _FUCK _DO YOU FIGURE THAT!" Zoro roared, whipping his swords through the air like a madman. "HE WAS PRACTICALLY GROPING YOU IN FRONT OF ME!" Sanji raised an eyebrow. Someone was suicidal enough to touch Luffy in Zoro's presence? That rated a 20 out of 10 on his _dumb ass _scale.

"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!" Luffy was waving a threatening fist at his first mate. Zoro had to put his swords away or otherwise run the risk of smacking Luffy with them.

"I WAS NOT JEALOUS!" That was a lie, and everyone in the room knew it. "IF I WERE JEALOUS HE'D BE DEAD!"

"WELL, YOU _TRIED _TO KILL HIM!" Maneuvering around the two, Sanji took a seat on the bench and watched with vivid interest, delight all over his face. This was like watching a match, and he was referee. He almost hoped a fistfight would start.

"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE HE OFFERED _ME_ A LONG PIECE OF MEAT!" Luffy screamed back, folding his arms like an annoyed child. Sanji burst out laughing again.

"And I thought you'd corrupted him, Marimo!"

Zoro turned an interesting shade of red, clapping a hand over his forehead. "For the last time, he wasn't offering you meat, Luffy. He wanted you to su--"

"STOP!" Both Luffy and Zoro stopped, turning toward the chef. Sanji took a relaxing drag from his cigarette, letting the fumes calm him. When he felt he had a better rein on himself, the cook nodded. "Alright, go on. No reference to sex," he ordered. Zoro looked at him like the man was nuts, but Luffy eagerly jumped back into the argument head first.

"WE GOT KICKED OUT OF THE RESTAURANT BECAUSE YOU ATTACKED HIM! I WASN'T DONE WITH MY MEAT!"

"The food wasn't even that good, Luffy," Zoro muttered. The boy just shrugged.

"It was still meat," he pouted, then remembered he was supposed to be shouting. "IT WAS STILL MEAT!"

"Let me get this straight. Zoro attacked a guy for hitting on you?" Sanji asked the rubber man. "And you guys got kicked out? That's _it_?" And the cook thought this would be interesting…

"That wasn't the reason I attacked him!" Zoro shouted in his defense. "The little shit **_KISSED _**him!"

"ON THE _CHEEK_!" Luffy screamed.

Sanji was shocked speechless. His cigarette actually fell out of his mouth.

"So, now you're going to let everyone kiss you on the cheek?" Zoro sneered angrily. "You're certainly not as innocent as you pretend."

"It's called a friendship kiss!" Luffy replied, staring at Zoro like he was dumb as a rock. "In my home village, I used to get them all the time, and I gave them to people, too! I don't see why you're so upset!"

Sanji stared at Luffy. The boy couldn't be serious. Then Sanji reminded himself that this was _Luffy_.

"So you'd let the cook kiss you if he said it was a friendship kiss? And you'd kiss him back?"

"Yes," Luffy replied, no shame in his voice whatsoever. "I'll do it right now!" Zoro looked ready to kill.

"Oh no the fuck you don't!" Sanji yelled. "I'm reserved for Nami-san!" And if Luffy kissed him, Zoro would stick all three of his swords down his throat.

"Look Luffy," Zoro sighed, running a hand through his hair, anger vanishing. It was hard staying pissed at his rubber captain. "I'm sorry, okay? I just don't like it when other people kiss you, even if it's a friendship kiss. But…" He took a deep breath, gritting his teeth. "I swear I won't kill anyone who gives you a friendship kiss." When he received no answer, Zoro pulled out the big guns. "I'll make it up to you, I swear. Next time we go into town, I'll buy you meat or whatever you want. I promise."

While picking up his cigarette, Sanji couldn't help but notice the shithead had pointedly said he wouldn't _kill _anyone who gave Luffy a friendship kiss. All Sanji could do was laugh silently at this. Personally, he'd want death. Those three swords could leave nasty marks.

Angry or not, Luffy could always be swayed with food. That, along with Zoro's apology, brought that huge grin back on the captain's face instantly. "Okay! And I'm sorry too!" With that, Luffy ran and hugged the man.

To Sanji's chagrin, it had to be admitted that they actually looked… _cute _together with Luffy pressed up against Zoro's chest, both with stupid, relieved grins printed on their faces. It disturbed him greatly. He almost liked it better when they were fighting.

'_Stupid reasons as they were, at least their not mad at each other…'_ There went his peaceful night's rest. Sanji sighed in annoyance. He would have to borrow the earplugs from Ussop again.

These were the times he wondered if helping them out was the right thing… he certainly wasn't benefiting. At least not _that _much. _'Alls well that ends well,'_ Sanji quoted, taking a nice deep smoke.

"Zoro, can we have sex now?"

Sanji choked on his cigarette. Well, there was his cue.

"Get the fuckin' hell out of my kitchen!"

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(Grins) Another one of my messed up Zoro/Luffy fics. I hope Luffy didn't seem that OOC, because he probably wouldn't get that angry; at least I don't think so. But for the sake of humor, I hope you didn't mind too much:p 

Press the pretty review button and tell me what you think!


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